Category: personal

Recovery, mostly essays and bits

Okay, first, the cat. I saw it. I thought of you. I thought of your cat. I had to link it. I’ll take your word for it if you say Russia isn’t cold in the summer. I trust you. But, what the hell is a white night? I have never, ever heard of that happening in Russia. It sounds really cool but I’d be so freaked out the first couple of nights. Would you even call them nights? Also, you play video games now? Which games? On what console? On the PC? TALK TO ME KAT ABOUT THE VIDEO GAMES. LOL And, yeah, I’m going to keep a journal and take pictures and document my entire cruise experience. I told Allen I might be self-conscious about wearing bikinis on the cruise and he told me everyone else there would be significantly larger and older than we are. He also said its really easy to get sick because there are so many people which sounds troubling.

But, anyway, the good stuff. Calling him Lima would be fantastic. I’d stop getting the little red squiggly things all over my message. I was hoping that comment would cheer you up, but I’m so confused as to why FB wants to auto-correct Liam and leaves everyone else’s names alone. Liam is a normal name. Zi, okay, my name can get auto-corrected, but Liam? Lol I’m still also confused about what happened between you and Liam. All I remember is that you hate Sarah with the four last names or something. Though, whatever happened back then doesn’t really matter

Hi
I woke up in the surgery
Thinking that I was still in ther surgery and shouldn’t be awake so I made noises trying to let people know that I was awake and should not be then I realized, oh, it must be over. I cried in the car going there because I was crying already and I was sad. But they made us wait forty minutes so I just got sleepy. I need to make an appointment for next week, post-op. Remind me. I called her a piece of shit. Lol that term is so in my vocabulary, it just came out and I was like, oops. She refused to talk to me UNTIL I said that and then she looked up and I was like, OOOH NOW YOU ANSWER. Like you, you get people’s attention by calling them names. I know so I do it well. I didn’t feel anything. Why would I want to be a doctor if this is whwat patients feel like. It was so nice. I woke up and was like, I LOVE THE WORLD. I LOVE EVERYONE. Are you still going to the thing?
We used to have these fights all the time. In middle school, in high school. Yeah, all the time. Just one day! Actually, two because I missed today’s class too.
Movie? Which one?

I should really…

I want to get away from everyone I know. Just get away. Start over somewhere new. Like how we talked about, how back in high school, everything mattered less and everything mattered more. Just…what happened? I’m stressed out. Bummed out. Doing work I thought I would love doing and hating every second it. Getting an internship I thought I needed but somehow it all feels so wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. Right after getting off the Q, I went to the Magic tournament thing. These guys invited us to over to their place, us being Chelsea, Vivian (I don’t think you know her) and I, and a bunch of other people from NYU (including Allen) and I was like, what the hell, sounds like fun. I didn’t get to play any actual games, these guys seem pretty chill, I’ll do this. Worst decision ever. Chelsea didn’t really want to go but Vivian seemed like she wanted to go and Vivian would only go if Chelsea said she would go. This sounds like a nightmarish logic problem. So, after thinking that I had convinced Chelsea to go, as we are going out the door, she changes her mind. I pull her aside, fucking ask her what the fuck is wrong with you, why are you flaking out? And she looks at me, with her fucking crooked face, and tells me to fuck off. This isn’t even the worse part. After she flips me off, she goes and cries. She has a break down in the bathroom and Vivian (her fucking lesbian tool of a friend) goes in and cries with her. I look like an abusive parent who just struck her child in public. Who the hell does that? Who the hell cries over some shit like this? Do you have the balls to curse someone out in public or not? This bothers me because I can’t stand her face and she – this fucking little bitch – has the need to curse me out when she was the one who fucking changes her mind last minute, for no fucking reason. She’s like, oh, don’t put this on me, Vivian should have decided. Who the fuck cares what Vivian should have decided? Do you not have a mind of your own? The way those two stick to each other I wouldn’t be surprised if they lick each other out every day and her fat fucking Korean boyfriend just sat in the corner and jacked off to their sad lesbian shit. And the worse part of it is I had to fucking apologize. So I’m wondering, do I like her at all? Do I just keep the front up because I’m passive aggressive and hate confrontations? Chelsea’s gotten so bitchy lately. She gives me the bitchiest shit sometimes. And when she loses in Magic, oh fuck, she turns into the spawn of Satan and any criticism you give her is the most incorrect thing you could have ever said. Does it bother me that she’s so hostile? Am I really this insecure? Should I still talk to her? I was hoping she’d hate me so I’d have opportunities to curse her out, fuck her up and not talk to her. She’s disgusting when she tries to be mean. Like, God, what is she? It gives me the creeps sometimes. Or maybe I’m just not in the right mood. And I don’t want to start the confrontation either. She has to start it. So I’ll play nice until some shit goes down. Play real nice.