On the end of the first semester of 1L…but can we call it the end if not all of my grades are in but the next semester technically started already?
Well:
Not all of my grades are in
I’m getting the memo assignment back tomorrow
I probably actually failed contracts
It didn’t go as poorly as I thought it would
Gee, I wish I did better than F1 in certain classes (but I’m really going to have to let that go because what’s done has been done)
I missed some job deadlines and are about to embark on weird job things I have never done before so I’m all confused and I wish I didn’t have to think about it
I’ve been writing these weird blog posts about my school life problems for years. In fact, most of my early blogs as a kid were all about this kind of stuff and I guess it never really goes away. In the next chapter of my strange life I’m going to just about work life problems instead of grades and school life things.
I remember when I got into Stuy and I told my mom that I was about to begin a new chapter in my life. Looking back at that particular junction in time, I think I was happily naive and I kinda miss some of that. I had none of that happy I’m going to be with my best friends (I wasn’t wrong about that one at least — those people are, by and large, still my best friends, actually) forever and we’re going to do super well and be super happy and keep in touch forever la la la all the while playing Maple Story and Halo forever on the weekends yay! joy kinda thing didn’t happen for college and sure as hell didn’t happen for law school. I mean, I was the only one going to law school. I am the only one in law school. I was scared shitless before law school and spent all my time thinking about the crushing weight of life and work and all that shit and I’m still kinda…thinking about that but in a more realistic (this is a lie) way? I doubt it. I’m still maddeningly insecure about everything, not satisfied with my grades, scared about my grades, and just a fucking mess generally.
I wish, at some point, that some of this fear and what-not, about life, would just go away.
I’ve come to realize that, probably, all of this is just part of who I am. I mean, I guess if I go back and read some of this stuff, I really haven’t changed all that much and I’m just running in circles around the same three things over and over again but, fuck. Who knows. At least 50% of it didn’t turn out as badly as I thought it would turn out. Now I have 5/6 semesters left to go and my whoooole fucking life ahead of me. Ha. Haha. Ha. Ha. Ha. I used to want to write a book about my life — some kind of memoir — keep all of my memories in one place. Probably because I was young enough where I remembered all the details of everything — now my days just blend together into some weird blurry paste of thought and eventually I just let them go, a bunch of though balloons launching into the sky and most of it, like what I had for dinner or the exact date of what happens when, just disappear into the stratosphere and explode somewhere high above the earth, like I wish my problems would but my fat, aching body anchors all of that sharply into my conscious reality so I can never quite escape from their particular brand of incessant torment.
I’ll figure it out. I think, one day. Some day. Now I want to write a book about all the things I have forgotten. Everything I remember is shitty. Embarrassing moments, people I think I have been wronged by, people I want to go back and just punch in the fucking face. Revenge is a good thing. Punching people in the face is a good thing. I think.