To hell with Speech.

OMJ
UR HERE

is everything okay?

Yeah, XD

Yes, I admit that I have OJD and I’m proud of it.

i heard u were a no show today

I was

watsup

I, don’t tell anyone this, just didn’t feel like going.

omg

. . .

I swear to God, I woke up this morning

Looked at the clock, felt like shit and went back to sleep

Woke up at like 10:00…

omg

are u serious?

Don’t tell anyone

tim’s gonna b mad pissed off

Yes, I am, I fucking am

wat do i tell elsa?

Really?

that. . .

Nothing, don’t say anything

lol

You don’t know why I didn’t show up

No one has to know

By the way, what’s Tim going to do to me?

idk but like really bad

u didnt show up for the last 2 tourneys

I showed up for the entirety of last year

im not gonna tell anyone

I showed up for most of this year

i know

I, I like wasted my damn life for speech

but like i’ll just b liek ‘she didnt tell me’

I don’t get anything, at all

Yeah, thanks

And, it was cold, it was fucking freezing…

wait

Yeah?

u gotta make an excuse!

lol

I have a couple

Family issues, or something

Something I don’t have to explain in detail

Just be like, something came up….

No one’s going to pry into my family life, hopefully

b like ‘someone passed away

You know, I got home at like 12 on Friday, XD

lol

I was down in Battery, playing Halo

I miss having free time

I saw a movie today, went to Katerina’s party…

hahahah xD

Do you kind of you understand how I’m feeling?

kinda

I mean, Miles devotes his time to speech, he’s good, he wins, he’s got a chance to get up on that stage and take home something

i c

I just hang around and chill, with people, I can chill with people whenever

please dont be like that

i u nderstand

please

I haven’t even said my speech since…god knows when…

imma tell elsa ‘family issues’

Yeah

and just say that u didnt tell me much

kk?

Okies, =D

I’ve been playing the Juggling Game on Facebook

wow

I found a really good way to cheat and get highscores

lol

Ellen and Abbie broke

i know

How many deccers were there?

idk

O.o

lol

I don’t know if I want to be in for Sacred Heart

lol

>.>

we need to talk this over

okay?

just not online

lol

Why not online?

its easier to like express our feelings

and like i can listen to u better

and undestand

Oooh, XD

we’re close

so its alright

i understand so yea

I don’t even want to see them anymore

lol

And the strange thing is, I’m borderline happy about it

I mean, UUUGGHHHH!!!!

HOW LONG WILL I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH THIS!?!?!?!?!

>.<

And then it occured to me, that, woah, I don’t!

Well, I don’t!! XD

but speech is so important to me, to both of us

we gotta talk about this in person

can we not talk bout online

It’s like I suffered an epiphany of sorts

Okies, lol

You can call me, XD

Or I can call you

Or, something, I suppos

i cant right now

im on the phone with johnny

this is wat elsa and i wrote to her

“idk
its her thing
so like if she tells ppl abot it then she doesnt
just dont like spread it around for now

i mean its her own situation”

Thanks, =D

It’s like being freeeeee!!

>.>

Oooh, I got a higher score on the Juggling Game

Yes?

um i really dont know wat to tell u right now

so like

Is it really a bad thing? To suddenly discover that the meaning of life really wasn’t the meaning of life?

And that I wasted so long and worked so hard for basically a completely flawed and judgemental competition?

i really cant

It’s okay, just listen to me rant, rather let me rant

can i just not answer

Because there’s so no one else I can really tell this shit to

who won’t go fucking bonkers and be like, “Omg, what the fuck, Tim is going to be so mad and like, omg, you, like, stayed home…because you felt like it? Omg…”

And, if I tell it to someone who’s not on speech, they won’t fucking get it

i understand

Speech isn’t like playing a damn sport or anything where a goal is a goal

and unless they got you on tape doing something wrong, you know when you’ve fucking scored

Speech is like a goddamn, I don’t know, like a fucking fortune cookie

You crack open one and it’s good and you crack open another and it’s like a bootleg one from Chinatown that read “Cookie Busy, Come Back Later…Learn to Read Chinese…Blah blah blah”

I mean, I’m not like Kash or even Arun, who has such damn good luck it’s not funny

And I’m not a freshman, I’m supposed to have experience on my side

u dont see me giving up

I’m not supposed to be blowing my brains out over this shit

It’s supposed to be open and closed case, I qual, I bounce

And here I am, in a fucking quagmire I don’t need to be in, wallowing in, quite obviously, my own self pity

Nothing else is going right in my fucking life and hovering over my head like some fucking godforsaken halo, scratch that, a curse, is Speech.

im not gonna giv eup

People don’t even see Speech as a legit team, because we talk

WE TALK!

i cant believe u wanna stop

I talk! Talk!

TALK! FOR CHRIST SAKE’S!

It’s like, I have to explain what I do to people

wow i really cant believe u

Over and over and over again

and i love explain it ppl

It’s not like when I tell people I’m on, say, track team, or swim team

cuz they jsut share my lvove for it

and they nod and are like, “Ah, I see, you swim, what stroke?” Or, what thing do you do in track? 100m or whatever

And then, they all have these terrible WTF looks

And I’m like, yeah, don’t ask, I talk

And no one even cares, no one even knows what the hell it is!

I CARE

Debate even has it better than Speech, because Debate is, however wrong the impression is, more sophisticated

And whatever.

So, what it comes down to is this:

I LOVE SPEECH

i really do

When the annouce breaks, and you’re sitting in the underground, yellow, egg yoke colored Regis cafeteria

And you’re waiting, waiting for them to annouce Dec, for them to hand out the fucking ballots to the judges

For them to finally get around to reading off that list and to not hear your name called

stop

i cant

imma go shower

u keep ranting if u want

u really gotta think this over

To have your damn code skipped over, over and over and over again, every goddamn time, every goddamn fucking time you go to that stupid school

WTF ARE U TALKING ABOUT

I just stop, what the fuck am I doing with my life?!

i cant take this

omg

I have to call my mother and be like, no, mom, no, I didn’t get anything today.

OMFG

I never get anything!

ttyl

I BROKE TWICE!

TWICE!

I don’t love speech, I think

I love the people

I’ve always just been in love with the people

The Regis kids, the Iona prep guys, even the girls, and everyone on our team

I know, I know, I wouldn’t know them at all if not for speech

And I’m pretty fucking grateful for the damn oppurtunity, but Speech, the tournaments, for me are quite possibly the most depressing things I’ve ever gone through

It’s like failing every other Saturday.

When I’m sitting in that room, at midday, when the light streams in and I can see the trees outside of some Catholic school’s window, and my heart no longer races when my turn draws near, and I just sink slowly into the words, like a small breeze passing over head, just listening to some person talk, it’s the most wonderful thing I don’t want to experience ever again.